Baby, Blues, Books
Posted by enrico | Under Fatherhood, Personal Saturday Jul 1, 2006Hello from HOT south Texas. It’s been about 98 degrees with supersaturated humidity. I took the trash out the other day at around 9:00AM and broke a sweat. It’s surreal to not have your heart rate elevated, no feelings or signs of exertion, yet be sweating like there’s no tomorrow just from being exposed to the outside.
Baby is incredible. Her bilirubin was still somewhat [normally] elevated when I last saw her in May, so she’s lightened up considerably, perhaps even moreso than her birth day because of all the vascular splotches that are no longer there. She has alabaster skin, downy hair (which I didn’t know falls off in favor of the permanently implanted hair), and a repetoire of faces that kill me. I know she doesn’t actually feel half the emotions she displays, but it’s hilarious watching a 6 week old show faces of disgust, boredom, elation, sadness, wonder, intense scrutiny, and just plain “being” all within 10 minutes. My favorite activity since I’ve been home is simply watching her sleep. I might be watching TV or reading a book (currently reading Cutting Remarks by Sidney Schwab–go buy it!!) but I eventually become re-transfixed on her angelic face. I’m not even waxing philosophical about dreams I have for her, the wonder of a new life with a clean slate, etc.–it’s simply just watching. I don’t have a problem physically relaxing/sitting still (unlike many ADHDers), but I have a HUGE problem mentally shutting down, allowing myself to just “be” without the gears turning. Baby is the best medicine for an overactive mind, a hurt heart, and a whole host of other symptoms.
That’s the basic reason I haven’t written–early parenthood is tough. As much as the birth of the baby fell at one of the most inopportune times (just before finals), the adjustment period (at least for me) comes in between semesters, and in the end, I think that worked out for the best. By the time I start the next semester in mid-July, it’s not like it’s going to not faze me, but it’s not like I’d feel totally whacked over the head with it, either. They don’t tell you what being a new parent does to your marriage…everybody assumes that it’s a blissful time, there are no problems, and that this ray of sunshine that just came into your home brightens all. Ha! Well, that’s certainly true if you’re just looking at the parenthood aspect, but it’s more complicated than that. Your routine is trashed, your priorities are violently shifted, certain things you take for granted from your partner are no longer there, etc. It’s hard, and it’s made even harder by the fact that at this moment we aren’t even in our own house, borrowing a room-1/2 upstairs at my parents for the last two months. When you’re in your 30s (and above, I’m sure moreso) your own space to call yours is a major, major factor in your mental/emotional well-being. I has been rocky at times–moreso than I would like–but it will work out for both of us.
My textbooks for the new year came in, and that’s always fun (I never get over that little kid “school supply” buying season) in spite of the nice slice of student loan pie I just gave Barnes and Noble. Neuroanatomy and neurophysiology texts scare the living hell out of me. It’s my Stephen King, my Wes Craven, whatever. I’ll make sure and study with the lights on and only if I’m not alone…
I’m delighted you’re reading my book, but I hate to think it takes you away from your baby. On the other hand, everyone needs a break. I’ve said this many times to younger friends and colleagues: there’s biology at work. Before the birth of my son, I worried. I like kids ok, but babies, well, they never did much for me. I thought it’d take a couple of years for a baby to become loveable. But no. As soon as he hit the outside air, he was the most beautiful baby I ever saw. In fact, I was almost embarrassed to show his pictures to friends. Surely they’d realize how blessed I’d been, how spectacular my baby was and how mundane theirs. Biology. Now, I look at those first pictures and see… a baby. Biology. A wonderful thing.
Meanwhile, if my book inspires you to consider surgery, and you want input, or an eager ear, let me know. I have a blog now, too.
“…I hate to think [my book] takes you away from your baby”
Quite the contrary! Often she’d be fussy and want to be held through sleepings, so there she’d be, on top of my chest, as I lay on my back and read your book.
Loved your comments about being the proud father. I felt similarly, except I always said that most newborns aren’t all that pretty (eg. cone heads, reptilian features, or the gamut of “oddities” that clear up into beautiful babyhood a week or two later (except for the natural delivery conehead)). Mine was gorgeous from the moment she came into the world, crying as soon as she hit air (via C-section), and I haven’t stopped looking in wonder ever since.
More than anything, I loved that you stopped by! I’m honored you’d take the time to comment on my blog. I barely get readership, much less by famous people!
Thanks, and take care… –ec
P.S. Added to blogroll…it’s about time you started your blog!!