Groundhog Day
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It’s fitting that today is Groundhog Day because I’ve finally decided to come out of my hole. No shadow-gazing here: I’m out for good. Since I started blogging, I’ve never gone that long without a post. At the same time, I’ve never gone through such a rough time since, either. I backdated a post about making a movie during my break, which you can read below. The prep and shooting of the short film did take a good chunk of vacation, but coming back to Mexico was the clincher.
A warning to those wanting to go abroad (and I should pause to remind people that Mexico with all its accessibility to Americans, is still VERY much a foreign country) for medical school who are married or will soon be: be careful. I thought we’d have it easier than most–we’re both originally from the same area growing up on the Texas/Mexican border, her Spanish was better than mine when we moved here, she saw this as an adventure from day #1–all the right ingredients. Surprise! Living here (and I’d imagine anywhere foreign) wears on you. I have school to occupy my time, and while it does also give its own unique blend of crapola aside from the academics, at the very least, I share the experience with 150+ other students. A spouse of a medical student is already somewhat widowed; add to that mix separation from their family/support structure, loss of a professional identity since they can’t work here (unless they are Mexican citizens or get special dispensation from the government (good luck!)), and you have a setup where they feel really useless really fast. Add a new child to the mix and it can turn into a festering cauldron of resentment. More than one spouse has packed their bags, and when I found out that’s what Claudia wanted to do, I did the best thing and understanding and supportive husband should do: I lost it.
We’d been here before, but looking back, it was more overly-exaggerated impulses (which she’s more inclined to than I) that didn’t really last. Cooler heads would prevail, and things would get better. With our daughter and the hardships of dealing with an obviously hyperactive/clingy baby, neither of us really had time to build up our reserves. The whole vacation of constantly “getting things done,” and then when the film shoot was over, switch to “Ok, let’s get ready to leave” (which for us means shopping for things to bring across that we can’t get here, on top of all the stuff people normally deal with) — we were just burnt out.
I do think a break could be good for us, but I don’t want to be without my daughter; however, having an unhappy mommy isn’t good for her either, so what do I do? Again, I dig deep into the well of my soul, and provide the most honest reaction I could: I freaked out again. (I’ll post about this later, but I’ll quickly mention the fact that dads get no respect, as conversations with family members quickly showed–mother knows all, father is an attachment to do labor mother can’t (not unlike attitudes towards weddings, except there I agree)). It turns out she’ll need a knee arthroscopy, so she’ll be going home later this month regardless. My hope is to have things worked out by then so she can go with my being 100% supportive, even though I hate the separation.
There’s been more going on academically and personally outside of this, but since I want this blog to be first and foremost about me–something for me to look back on–I wanted to make sure I wrote something about the above, even if it’s painfully personal. I tried, perhaps lamely, to turn it into a teaching moment for those wanting to embark on a med school journey far from home of some of the things that aren’t obvious about dealing with everyday things, the things that sneak up on you and before you know it consume everything. I am not a person who can compartmentalize my emotions very well. If things aren’t going well “at home,” it bleeds into my studying, my sleep, everything. I wish I could be one of those individuals that say, “I won’t worry about that right now,” and while I can get better, I can’t fundamentally change who I am. I will be the doctor that goes to sleep (ha!) thinking about the labs post-op, wondering what I’m going to find, fussing about this or that, because nothing ever changes for me because I walk out the door. I carry work home, and I carry home to work. At least I’m consistent.
So there you have it–the long, drawn out version of “There and Back Again” for the last six weeks or so. I promise I’m back for good. As a friend told me during my “hiatus,” blogging is a low priority given everything going on, but I need it. I don’t know why, but I have to write, and sharing in general is something that’s always been at the core of who I am. I have no idea who is still reading this, but if you are, thank you. More soon.
Fatherhood, Living in Mexico, Personal | enrico | 
February 2, 2007 9:00 pm
By Celeste, February 6, 2007 @ 2:45 pm
I’m rooting for the two of you.
Can I just say one thing? Becoming a mother means feeling some cold slaps of reality in a way that is just different from being a father. I’m not talking about the love, I’m talking about the physical and biochemical and emotional realities of it all. When it’s hard, it’s really hard. It forges you into somebody else. I really think that there are parallels with going through medical school. The process is painful but you end up being something more than you were when you started.
Is there a possibility for her to travel back and forth and/or to have a relative come and stay with her while she is home alone in Mexico with the baby? If she was able to have the next year broken up like that, maybe it would seem more do-able. It’s just a thought. Sometimes having a breaks or company to look forward to helps you get through a lot.
I enjoy your blog and hope you will always find it’s helpful. I followed the link from Surgeonsblog and have enjoyed your writing.
By Sid Schwab, February 7, 2007 @ 5:28 pm
Well, at least I provided a link to a reader for you. Wish there was more I could do. Not that you have time aplenty: but don’t try to handle it all yourself. When I was in med school, I went to a counselor for a while, for a romantic crisis that open other sores… It was worth finding the time. Maybe it’s not so available where you are. Hang in there Enrico.
By enrico, February 7, 2007 @ 7:13 pm
Celeste: I may not have made it clear, but I never would compare the emotions/reality of being a mother having had a baby inside you, giving birth, all the hormonal changes and the biological drive to care for a newborn, etc. with fatherhood. As far as all that is concerned, I was the waterboy on the sidelines. But now that she’s here, interacting with each of us 8 months later, I think that I’m no longer a bench player that can be ignored, that’s all I was getting at. She (and now she and the baby) go home at least once or twice a semester anyway for various reasons, so she does get a “break” with family. It’s just the terms and timing of the departure that are/were at issue. It’s all new territory for me too. Thanks for stopping by!
Dr. Schwab: I suppose you’ll want your referral fee?
Counseling is hard; I’ve done it before. It’s work when it is going right. Things will calm down scholastically in a few weeks and I’ll re-think my options then. In the meantime, things are manageable. Thanks for the well-wishes, as always.
By Celeste, February 8, 2007 @ 8:39 am
I never meant to downplay your parenting role. I was just trying to get at the issue of how changed a woman feels by motherhood. Pregnancy is a lot like reliving puberty–you just never know what your body’s going to come up with to deal with next! LOL But after the delivery, it’s like your brain is different. A lot has been written about that; it’s just a really huge adjustment.
I think anything you can work out to keep the three of you together as much as possible is the best thing. In time our little family became like the Three Musketeers. ;o) The flip side is the difficulty of getting much time as a couple especially when you don’t have somebody you feel comfy using for a sitter. We have no family in the area and use a daycare during the week…but have never found an evening babysitter. A lot of that is guilt, too, that we are away from DD enough already.
You’ll find a balance, I know it! Enjoy your baby; new life is just the coolest thing.