Mexico Medical Student |

I finally got back to Mexico two weeks ago from being in Texas for almost all of April (and mostly offline). I really wanted to post sooner, but I was waiting for a more positive frame of mind before I did. It seems that’s not really going to happen anytime soon since life is intent on punishing me for any number of things. I came back to a filthy house, because here in Mexico, even with windows closed, dirt, dust and pollution eventually makes it’s way into the house. By the time things were unpacked, mind re-framed for school, my electricity gets cut off for non-payment. I never intended to be away as long as I did, so I made no arrangements w/anyone to pay bills in my absence. Cursing the timing, I lost another day of school as I waited in line at the central office (because this was a reconnect) for over 2 hours. Ironically, the central electric building–flanked by so many imposing electric towers that one feels they’re going to get a bolt of static electricity just walking by–does not see fit to power air conditioning to the masses waiting in the various lines. When I got to the ventanilla (window), I could feel the cool air coming through the little “speech hole” in the plexiglass; obviously, they give it to themselves in their own little isolated world, because it’s so taxing to sit there in front of a computer compared to standing in line. </dripping sarcasm> I then find out I had to suffer a whole day into the next without power since they don’t reconnect on the same day. This high is constantly around 93 degrees here and I couldn’t even power a fan.

All this pales in comparison to my main problem at the moment: my marriage. I’m not going to go into public details, but the constant stress of arguments from long distance, her newfound position of no comprimise, and being without my daughter in the process is wearing on me. Actually, I don’t fault her for the next 2 weeks or so, because that’s the length of her physical therapy. However, it seems that she’s in no hurry to come back. Things may change during that time, but I’m already sorely behind in all my studies with all the missed schoolwork, classes and time in general that I’ll never get back. I have always said I lack the gift of compartmentalization, and I’d love to have a nice dose of mental sectioning to say, “I’m not going to worry about that right now; I’m going to concentrate on my studies.” We have opposite effects by this situation: she’s empowered with the time off and family/friends on all sides helping with her, baby, opportunities for possible employment, feelings of indepdence with no pressures from anyone. I, on the other hand, am dealing with Step 1 prep, having a 3 bedroom house alone, and I still have to take care of the damn dog. Our dog is fine, don’t get me wrong, but it’s not like holding Lola is even a laughable substitute from the heart-warming, centering, reminds-you-why-you-are-doing-this-warm-fuzzies that having your smiling daughter (or even crying daughter) brings. Like I told Claudia, her worst day (pain notwithstanding–that’s different) isn’t even close to the plate-spinning juggling act I perform daily just to make sure things stay afloat financially, scholastically, emotionally and logistically.

And I’m losing the battle; the plates I’m spinning seem to be crashing to the ground, one by one. That will be revealed slowly through several posts–this is already getting a bit depressing. History has shown that I will probably pull through as before, but at what cost? The price seems to get higher and higher as time moves on. I’m on the verge of taking a semester off for financial reasons, I have 10,000 decisions and consequences to think through based on not only financial realities, but also all the uncertainties of the marriage and what I’m willing to tolerate with a seemingly indefinitely split household.

A doctor friend of mine here who had a child early on (he was like 20 at the time) never really worked things out with his then girlfriend, moved on, and is now a FP resident after working some years as a GP. His daughter is now 7, and he says that the big picture dictates that if I say that school is my #1 priority, I am never to take my eyes off of school long enough for it to slip from its #1 position. If I have to take time off to get things centered, fine, but it’s to serve my greater academic success, not a personal emotional indulgence or a quick-financial fix (ie, not solving the problem permanently during my time off). While that seems heartless and simplistic, his point was that when he was done, he found his daughter was still there, his family was still there, his friends were still there, etc.–everything that he was convinced he lost or was going to lose was, in fact, simply the product of a myopic mindset. Family and friends will respect and understand what’s going on provided they are shown the steadfastness and progress of one’s endeavor.

Let’s see if I can pull that off.