Multi-Update I: Working, not studying

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This is the first in a series that will let everyone know what’s going on with me, at least as much as I’ll let on publicly. I’ve been posting here and there, yes, letting people know I’m still alive and kicking (not necessarily a given, as I’ll go into later), but not really writing with any gravitas, any real soul about what’s going on. Part of that is that things are so totally difficult for me, I felt that if I really wrote what was really going on, I’d depress the shit out of everyone at best, lose all my readers at worst. But as much as I love communicating with all of you out there, I have to remind myself this blog has always been and will always be primarily for me–whoever wants to follow along is welcome; whoever wants to actually comment or write is warmly appreciated. I’ll warn everyone straight away that the posts that follow are going to be raw, mostly unedited, and like the little “film rating” meme that’s going around, “NC-17.” Some of the posts might be long, as in Merchant-and-Ivory long. That’s part of the price that goes with lack of editing, but that kind of raw writing is what I need now. You’ve been warned.

So I’ll start this series with a topic that everyone can relate to: financial difficulties. Ever since May, I’ve not been spending 100% of my time studying and living, as would be expected in someone of my position, weeks away from boards. I’ve been separated from family and have been rather “in the dumps,” so to speak, in general since that break, but I’d be lying if I didn’t say that part of me didn’t appreciate the silence, the freedom to make my own schedule that it brought. I’d also be stupid not to have taken advantage of it, which I did as best I could, but unfortunately, “life got in the way.” (I don’t know if that’s a quote or a lyric, but it should be) It was clear that around my daughter’s birthday that our finances were dwindling to zero. We get our fin.aid/loan checks at the end of August to last all year, and with all that’s happened, plus the incalculable/unplannable first year of parenting, we were gonna be dead broke fast. We’ve been blessed with family that’s been a great help with the “first grandchild” on my small-family side, help in numbers with many aunties on my wife’s side. Still, it wasn’t enough.

My relationship with my previous employer has gone back off and on since 1995 while still and undergrad. Even through breaks from school, research, jobs in other states, to working with them full-time just before our wedding (something had to pay for it!), I’ve never burned that work bridge. They are always in need of my help to some degree, and they know I’m good for it, talent-wise and if nothing else, expansive legacy knowledge. This, added to a wage that is commensurate with my experience (I don’t work for cheap!), means that time spent working is at least worth something, not like flipping burgers for $4/hr. In addition, my particular line of computing work means that I can work from here, via the use of VPNs and other network resources. (not that it would be useful financially since pay is so low here, but on a student visa, I am prohibited from employment here anyway) However, nothing could be more detrimental to Step 1 studying than having to work. It saps precious time and energy–even when not working–having to think about work-related activities. Add that to the monumental burden of wondering how the light bill will get paid (because I’m sort-of just “ignoring” that part in this post), and staring at a table of which bacteria are fucking optochin sensitive but ferment lactose (I’m totally making this combo up–which should show you how behind I am), and you just zone out, not learning anything. To fire up QBank or the like seems like worse idea, wasting questions in a limited bank like that, so you just sort of curl up in a fetal ball with a book and hope some of it sinks in via osmosis. You also wish you’d done more/better studying earlier, to carry you through times like this, ie, “If only I’d not have slacked off for x weeks, I’d not feel so desperate right now.” Woulda, coulda, shoulda.

Some of you might think, “What a whiny little bitch. People have to go to work all the time. You have a wife, a daughter, that’s what you’re supposed to do.” And you know what? You’d be right–that’s why I did it and didn’t stay in that fetal position crying “Woe is me.” But there’s a limit to the amount of external stresses one can endure–even the strongest metal has definite, innate tensile properties and can be bent, eventually broken–and last I checked, medical school itself was somewhat of a stressor. So was being a new parent. So was living in another country. So was separation from family. So was financial ruin. Think Maslow: I can only assume that excelling in medical school as a personally-defined goal is somewhere at the tip-tippy-top of the pyramid in the “self-actualization” area, but right now I’m wondering how the rent and light will get paid. Working certainly puts a damper on studying, but so does being evicted or being in the dark. Sometimes I think I’ve already passed my breaking point, but I’m still here, trying to scrap it out, like Rocky when he said, “I got nowhere else to go!” I don’t, at least not as a whole, complete person not defined by defeat. I can’t quit now, based on temporary shortcomings, no matter how severe. But I didn’t make the system, and the system says that I need to not only pass but if I want to have any say in the matter where/in what I do my residency, especially as an IMG, I better kick some ass on Step1. I’m barely trying to keep things together, much less excel.

So you’d think when I go to my school with this, that they’d do what at least was within their control to make things better for me, one of their top students (or at least “towards the top”) by their measure. Right. That’s for Part II.