Pre-rounds surprise

I was perusing some past hosts of Grand Rounds on Medscape to help get a few ideas for writing the upcoming edition, when I see an article with “An American Gets an Education South of the Border” in the title. I thought, “Hey, sounds like me.” Then it hit me: “That is me!” I had no idea the pre-rounds link was already live; I thought it went live the same day as Grand Rounds.

Sooo…even though it’s a lot of what I already said on the blog, there are some things that are unique to the writeup, and Dr. Genes did a great job of editing my rambling prose for a more formal presentation.

Following the link above requires (free) registration, but if you’re a medical professional or student of any kind, it’s worth it. If you want to read the article and insist on not registering, email me and I’ll send you a PDF of the web page.

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On another topic, we had a “Meet the Baby” party today for my classmates, friends of Claudia from the wives’ group, and it was a great time. (It was interesting seeing various people’s reaction towards her, some being totally hands-on and others barely touched her leg or whatever, quickly withdrawing their arm as if she would bite. Strange.) Anyway, more than one classmate asked how I did it and/or that there’s no way they could have a family here. I don’t know…necessity definitely wins out, and it’s not like I have the answer–I’m living it right now, but to loosely quote Alanis in her prime:

What it all comes down to
Is that I haven’t got it all figured out just yet.
I’ve got one hand in my pocket,
and the other one is holding my baby.

Call me corny, but that’s exactly how I feel.

This driving thing gets old really fast

I’m finally back!! Actually, I came in last Thursday in the wee hours, but the fact that it took from last Monday to Wednesday night/Thursday morning to get here should tell you the hell we’ve gone through. Traveling with a newborn is hard–very hard–even for short trips across town, much less internationally. Traveling in a caravan makes things difficult many times over. Dealing with 100 degree heat and having to transfer a crying baby in exactly 10 seconds before she gets overheated is that special kiss of awful, just like salt on a wound.

Caravaning with a vehicle which breaks down in Mexico…..well, let’s just say thank God for pharmaceuticals.

Long story short, the car we had intended to cross broke down about 40 minutes into Mexico. Thankfully, it was an easy drive back and whatever is wrong with it did allow for short spurts of functionality, allowing us to turn a 30 minute return trip to the bridge into much more than that. We really had no choice but to then drive further back to my parents’ house, an hour away, to park the fully loaded truck into the garage for safe keeping and a renewed attempt the next day (Claudia’s dad lives 5 minutes from our crossing, but there is no garage).

Starting over again, far too late (the days of my cracking the whip and getting us to leave at 6AM, fully packed with coffee and breakfast (did I mention I am a morning person, especially on trips?) ) are obviously over. Like way over. Sometime that afternoon, we picked up my sister-in-law, who graciously allowed us to swap w/her car for these few months until we drive back so she can get the other one fixed. The crossing was uneventful, except that it took over an hour to get my vehicle permit because, well, this little bridge doesn’t really see FM3 visas, no they shore don’t. “Well golly gee willickers (or the equivalent in Spanish) what have we here?” was what I had to deal with. If it was legal for me to pay $20-something to get a temporary tourist visa, I’d have gladly done it just to make things go faster, but alas, they are actually computerized and they’d know I already had a (much more elevated) visa.

So…the rest of the trip was spent stopping for potty breaks, baby diaper change breaks, our dog’s nature calls (usually coincident with ours since we were stopping enough), getting turned around in Monterrey, Nuevo Leon (one of these days I’m finally going to get a map of that infernal city to figure out how to get on the periférico [outer loop] when coming from my father-in-law’s to bypass the middle of the city)–the list goes on and on.

We unloaded, Claudia and I started bickering about something or other (2.5 days of road trip between two vehicles and a crying baby kinda does a little something to the nerves), continued unloading, and crashed, or at least as much as we could until 3 hours later, baby awoke demanding more food. Apparently gone are the days where I can drive like a bat out of hell, consuming all sorts of [legal] stimulants, driving to exhaustion, and sleeping as long as I want because “Damnit, I deserve it for getting us here in record time!” Yeah. This little one is cramping my style, I’ll say that right away.

But I wouldn’t change anything. I love my Niblet.

We’re here, safe and sound, mostly unpacked/organized and school has begun anew. A new semester with scarier classes (I did mention I have this complex with neuro?) and more work, for sure. This time, I promised myself I wouldn’t allow myself to fall too behind– schedule/time-wise or grade-wise–even with baby. This means Mentat-like concentration and work ethic. Right. We’ll see.

Believe it or not, I am glad to be back. As long as my family is here and this is where I continue going to school, this is our home for now and any trip away is just that–a visit with a return ticket.

P.S. I’m going to be posting a few more posts here shortly, mostly queued up from the trip and the last few days, but I’m not going to change the post dates/times because there’s no point.

Baby, Blues, Books

Hello from HOT south Texas. It’s been about 98 degrees with supersaturated humidity. I took the trash out the other day at around 9:00AM and broke a sweat. It’s surreal to not have your heart rate elevated, no feelings or signs of exertion, yet be sweating like there’s no tomorrow just from being exposed to the outside.

Baby is incredible. Her bilirubin was still somewhat [normally] elevated when I last saw her in May, so she’s lightened up considerably, perhaps even moreso than her birth day because of all the vascular splotches that are no longer there. She has alabaster skin, downy hair (which I didn’t know falls off in favor of the permanently implanted hair), and a repetoire of faces that kill me. I know she doesn’t actually feel half the emotions she displays, but it’s hilarious watching a 6 week old show faces of disgust, boredom, elation, sadness, wonder, intense scrutiny, and just plain “being” all within 10 minutes. My favorite activity since I’ve been home is simply watching her sleep. I might be watching TV or reading a book (currently reading Cutting Remarks by Sidney Schwab–go buy it!!) but I eventually become re-transfixed on her angelic face. I’m not even waxing philosophical about dreams I have for her, the wonder of a new life with a clean slate, etc.–it’s simply just watching. I don’t have a problem physically relaxing/sitting still (unlike many ADHDers), but I have a HUGE problem mentally shutting down, allowing myself to just “be” without the gears turning. Baby is the best medicine for an overactive mind, a hurt heart, and a whole host of other symptoms.

That’s the basic reason I haven’t written–early parenthood is tough. As much as the birth of the baby fell at one of the most inopportune times (just before finals), the adjustment period (at least for me) comes in between semesters, and in the end, I think that worked out for the best. By the time I start the next semester in mid-July, it’s not like it’s going to not faze me, but it’s not like I’d feel totally whacked over the head with it, either. They don’t tell you what being a new parent does to your marriage…everybody assumes that it’s a blissful time, there are no problems, and that this ray of sunshine that just came into your home brightens all. Ha! Well, that’s certainly true if you’re just looking at the parenthood aspect, but it’s more complicated than that. Your routine is trashed, your priorities are violently shifted, certain things you take for granted from your partner are no longer there, etc. It’s hard, and it’s made even harder by the fact that at this moment we aren’t even in our own house, borrowing a room-1/2 upstairs at my parents for the last two months. When you’re in your 30s (and above, I’m sure moreso) your own space to call yours is a major, major factor in your mental/emotional well-being. I has been rocky at times–moreso than I would like–but it will work out for both of us.

My textbooks for the new year came in, and that’s always fun (I never get over that little kid “school supply” buying season) in spite of the nice slice of student loan pie I just gave Barnes and Noble. Neuroanatomy and neurophysiology texts scare the living hell out of me. It’s my Stephen King, my Wes Craven, whatever. I’ll make sure and study with the lights on and only if I’m not alone…

First Father’s Day

It’s my first Father’s Day and I’m alone. I’m not doing anything socially (although I did help some friends study physiology and histology yesterday for their make-up exams this coming week), but really, I just feel like being a total couch potato. It’s depressing to reach this milestone and spend it alone, but I’ll be back stateside in five days. It kills me that I have to be here for a formality to make up a general pathology exam that I got at least a B on because of our administration’s screw-up, which is now preventing me from seeing my family and being with them today.

I’ll be fine. I talked to my dad and my father-in-law. Claudia decided to take baby to her dad’s and spend at least a couple of days over there, so that’s good–she’s been with my parents for some time and it will be good for a change of pace, but w/o a computer there (he’s elderly), ease of communication is harder. I also didn’t get a chance to webchat with them before they left.

I was promised we’d celebrate Father’s Day belatedly (and of course, my arrival in general) on Friday. I’m very much looking forward to that and finally being back together with my girls.

Baby Photos!

Baby photos are finally up! (Or you can always just use the “Photos” link on the page and get there visually. )

I struggled with this a while, but I decided to not to reveal both her name and her picture. Wife agrees. We may change our minds on this later, but for now, we’ll play it safe. I know more than enough about information security to know that finding this information is not difficult given what’s available on this blog should they wish to devote serious time to this, but I don’t need to make it easy for ill-motivated people, either.

For now, her name is Niblet, a spontaneous nickname given by her mother that I thought was adorable. Enjoy the little morsel!

On the other side

I’m back! Before I say anything, I definitely wanted to say thanks to all those who wrote privately to wish us and baby well. I’m happy to say that our daughter was born perfectly healthy and is an absolutely heavenly gift. Mommy is doing well, recovering from her C-section a little slower than expected, but definitely on the mend. I will be posting a couple of pictures soon, as well as a Readers Digest^tm account of the week+ I was there. I came back to GDL 6 days after birth and returned to classes this last Thursday, just in time to catch our final, wrap-up lecture on renal physiology. I missed the entire block (for such a complex system 2 weeks was too short by comparison on how much time was spent on other systems, but that’s just my opinion) and the test was today, Monday. I did get some reading done while at home, but no serious studying. As any medical person knows, “the beans” are hard, so I basically hit the ground running and haven’t stopped, which is why I haven’t posted. (not to mention the trivial little detail of dealing with a newborn at home before I left)

In spite of all the school pressure, I am elated with baby. She is just a doll. I can just look at her for hours, imagining everything she might become, just amazed at the beauty in my arms being half my genes (Mommy has the better half in the looks department) and a whole new person. Unfortunately, school doesn’t stop, so we’re separated temporarily before I go back for our mini break. I did get everything set up with videoconferencing though, and we’ve already had a couple of webchats in spite of the special-ed network infrastructure here (bandwidth is OK, latency stinks; packets negotiate when they want to), so I still get to see her “live” for a little bit here and there.

Before posting this, I looked at my site and saw it has been 11 days since my last post, yet it feels like months, even a different life. While that sounds rather melodramatic to say, it is rather accurate, because parenthood does change one’s life. I had a friend tell me that the moment our daughter would be born, my life would change in an instant, that suddenly I’d see everything differently and that it just has to be experienced to be understood. I don’t disagree, but honestly, the event was more of a dissociated experience, more shock and disbelief that this child we had tried so hard for was finally here. It took a little while longer, but it was more of a door opening inside, allowing access to feelings and perspectives that had always been there dormant, such that it felt natural, “right,” rather than a divine finger-snap of change.

I didn’t mean to get so philosophical, and I get that way anyway so I can’t blame fatherhood, but it does make it moreso. The fact that I’m not with “my girls” kinda leaves me feeling blue, but in the grand scheme of things, it’s a small sacrifice to be apart for 3.5 weeks, especially for something like finishing classes and finals, putting one more semester behind me towards a goal that will make things better for all of us.

More soon with pictures and stories…it’s post-test night and I’m exhausted.

Daddy day is here

We’re leaving to the hospital shortly, and so begins the official day in which we welcome our daughter into this world. The time they want us there is ungodly, but it will almost assure us a private room, which apparently are in short supply. I’ve never heard of ppl reporting at 2AM for a procedure at around 9AM, but I’m too tired to argue, especially if we get the room we want.

I’ve spent the last 2-3 days putting strollers, car seats, etc. together, bought the first few outfits for her (even though she has a ton now thanks to the shower), spending whatever quiet time I could with Claudia when she wasn’t napping (which is understandably a lot these last few weeks), and it’s been kinda surreal… I knew I’d be doing all these things, such as installing the car seat and last-minute baby shopping, but I had no idea what I’d be feeling. I’d be walking through aisles and aisles of baby dresses and onesies, and it was like watching myself in 3rd person at times. I can’t imagine what it’s going to be like later today.

Unfortunately, there is no public wireless LAN in the hospital, so I’ll be offline when I’m there, but I do plan to spend at least part of that time [while awake, that is] writing, so I’ll probably be posting queued snippets when I come home for breaks. I can definitely say that such times will not be often, as the little time I’m not tending to delivery, etc. I am spending trying to learn about renal physiology and the sadistic world of the nephron as I am missing classes to be here. I am usually really bad about studying under less than “ideal” circumstances, but obviously now that has to change anyway, so I better get used to it.

I apologize for anyone who has sent me personal email to whom I’ve not replied. I’ve obviously been insanely busy and preoccupied, but I promise to reply to everyone as soon we’ve cleared this major milestone. Until then, thanks for checking in, and I’ll post as soon as time allows. Wish us luck!

Positive, Happy, Baby Shopping

I promised my next post would be positive, and I aim to please. I am back in Texas, having flown from GDL on Sunday. I hadn’t posted yet because when I came in, 1) I was way low on sleep, 2) the trip from across the border was horrendous–a used car that we were thinking of buying died oh, I don’t know, like 15 times in 102 degree weather (no A/C when it was running to keep it from dying), and 3) BABY SHOPPING! Oh my gosh, there is this like, whole underground subculture of baby accessories that no one would otherwise know about. Claudia had her baby shower last Friday and we got TONS of stuff for baby; we really are blessed to have family and friends that are so generous, especially w/our starving student status (SSS). Seriously, we really got a major amount of clothes and even some real gear, such as “kangaroo carrier” (mainly for me), bassinets, bathing basins, etc. We definitely wanted to do the shopping ourselves for the carrier/stroller and other “major” purchases, but every bit helps.

As for school, after making a meeting w/the assoc. dean, I finally got them to approve (with much “yes sirs” and “of course, sirs”) today through next Monday, given the C-section situation. The guy that gave me all kinds of resistance last time was very accommodating and “You misunderstood me,” when called into the dean’s office to confirm. Afterwards, I thought about it and realized I’d basically be staying in town just to go to class for one day after the weekend which would be stupid; I do have a few absences to burn, so I changed the flight last minute and left Sunday. Thank God, because it’s been non-stop over here (after I got in some sleep) with car repair, baby shopping, visiting family, etc. but it’s all good.

This is mainly for my peeps in Mexico, but just in case, if any of you are able to fly Interjet, do so. This airline is tops. Claudia flew it when she went back to Texas and said it was great. I have to agree 110%. They are brand new, the seats are roomy (it’s a rare thing when my knees aren’t bumping the seat in front of me and not be right up against the armrests outside of first-class), and LCD panels literally swing down from the ceiling to give you all the safety information, geographic/flight status, etc. I am actually looking forward to flying again. The best part: CHEAP!! I paid less than $160 USD for a round trip ticket from GDL to Monterrey (about 1.5h each way) with just days notice. Incredible.

So here I am, daddy to be, and I just wanted for symbolic purposes to buy the first set of diapers. I don’t know why; it just meant something to me. So while at Target, I went to that aisle and was immediately humbled by the choices for something so simple as buying diapers for the first time. First of all, there are at least 3 major brands, each with their own “system” of sizing. Once you figured that out, then it was how many to get, etc. I just got a large pack for starters. (Pictures of this and other things to come soon)

Right now I have to go downstairs and start putting strollers, carriers, and car seats together, getting them fitted in the car, etc. Busy busy busy. The day of least work will probably actually be the birth day itself, since family will be there to help w/whatever we need and I wouldn’t want to leave Claudia’s side. It’s all kind of a fog still, moving too fast for me to sit and really contemplate impending fatherhood, but the feelings are there. It’s going to be a wild ride the next few days, and I’m both excited and scared. Most of all, however, I’m just glad to finally be here with enough time to actually savor the moments. More soon.

Trying to forget this last week

Last week was bad on all levels. Claudia left back the states on the weekend in a very stressful trip insofar as getting her home from Monterrey to Texas and how that all panned out, so Sunday I was out of it. Monday was a holiday, but honestly I was really recovering from the last day and a half, not really resting or catching up on studying.

The the real hell began. Claudia called me from a doctor’s appointment that they needed to move up the delivery a week, which threw everything I had planned out regarding school out the window. I would not miss my renal physiology partial exam, but I’d be here just in the nick of time not having been here for more than 75% of the lectures. Wonderful. Also, my clinical classes and community medicine would now be affected and I’d need to schedule those makeups. But most of all, I would be gone from my pathology midterm…more on that later.

I tried working with my school about absences and their answer was basically that they couldn’t approve or assure anything before the fact, that a committee has to justify the absences, take into consideration x number of things, etc. but no special considerations were to be given under any circumstances: if I went over the allotted absences for any class or missed an exam, I’d have to stay a week after the semester is over for segundos which is usually reserved for people who fail. AT our school, attendance is taken like little high schoolers and if you go over 15% absences for a class, you lose the right to take your “ordinary” final. The problem with segundos that the entire grade for a class is determined by that one exam; it’s meant to be a punishment even though they bill it as a “second chance.” I don’t need a second chance, I need to not be denied my first chance.

As much as I want to bitch and complain about the inconsistency/corruption here (which unfortunately is a mirror of the whole country), the reality is that they haven’t decided anything yet. I’m just not the kind of person that can compartmentalize everything into neat packages and not worry about things smaller than this, much less for major things like this. I would have liked to believe I attended a school that said, “Don’t worry; go home and be with your family, congratulations and we’ll work everything out when you get back.” I’m not asking for special treatment academically or to be relieved of any scholastic responsibility, just don’t make me stay here another week which is one week less out of only 4 with my family, just because of your bullshit “rules” which have no basis in reality whatsoever. (and that get broken by them all the time, such as many days going by where no attendance is taken, which I thought was soooo important….)

Anyway, I’m getting mad again, so I have to stop, because I’m not done with UAG. We had our pathology midterm cancelled because administration caught wind that the exact same test we got was in circulation beforehand. There was no cheating, no foul play, just a mistake on the part of the path department releasing it before it was “decomissioned.” Someone complained–we’ll never know for sure who–and administration’s decision was to cancel the exam and give it to us again. I won’t get started on how they do test banks and other idiocies here, because I’ll take all day. Rather than decide to retake the exam in short order while the information was still fresh even though that might mean having it within a few days of another exam (the horror!!) our idiot, lemming class who feels like the more time they have to study it’s somehow going to help them (when in reality they just won’t study that much longer until the last minute) voted to have the midterm AFTER the final, two weeks after the class was done, because there was no other test at that time. Let that sink in for a while…. No, I’m not kidding. All the above happened before Easter. We were just told of the exact date of the 19th after our Easter break two weeks ago, so by the time I’m scheduling this absence stuff, the artificial date imposed on us was only one week old, yet administration is acting like I should have planned better.

This is country where abortion is illegal, where doctors actually try to coerce women away from allowed medically indicated pregnancy terminations (medically allowed when indicated only in 1st trimester, before you can get a CVS much less an amnio–let that one sink in too), but the attitude for my child’s birth is like it’s being treated as an academic impediment that I should have planned better. Students from later semesters have confirmed heavily that the “committee” is very subjective and makes their own decisions about what constitutes “deserved” in spite of any official documentation. Just so you get an idea, I asked the main guy in charge what he thinks would be excused given a C-section out of the country and he said “3 days, certainly not more than 4.” My jaw dropped — two days is travel/flight, so that leaves one MAYBE 2 for a C-section/delivery? Claudia might not even be out of the hospital, but I say, “nope, gotta go honey, I can’t miss nutrition and physiology?” I’d laugh if it wasn’t so pathetic.

My general pathology final was Friday, and I might have well bubbled pretty patterns on the scantron because it’s not going to count for anything — the only reason I showed up was to get a feel for the kind of questions they’d ask. So that makes TWO tests that gets cancelled on my for no fault of my own. Thanks UAG — you suck. But don’t worry–I’ll take the test and knock it out just like I have done on my cancelled tests and all will be the same in the end, gradewise.

But I will never get that time back, and I will never forget.

Prelude to Fatherhood

I’m going to be a daddy! Our little girl will be introduced to the world in about 5 weeks. I always knew I’d post about it since it would be nearly impossible not to include here such a huge change in my life, but for several reasons, I just didn’t get around to it until now. I am becoming a little more forthcoming with personal details since I know I identify with other bloggers, anonymous or not, who share the details of their lives in a way that makes readers feel they are a part of their world. My world is about to be shaken substantially.

One reason I waited was because we lost our first baby last year in the first trimester before med school began. It was what’s called simply a “spontaneous abortion,” but such sterile clinical labels and explanations regarding statistics re:viability don’t help when it happens to you. I wanted to make sure this one “stuck” first and foremost. After it was pretty clear she wasn’t going anywhere, I was waiting for a good picture. She is her mother’s daughter (*ducking for dear life*) lollying about, kicking, rolling, etc. when she wanted to, but she never wanted to pose for good pictures or be “on” when the doctor/sonographer was taking notice. As such, it was always, “Well, next time we’ll get a good shot and I’ll post it.” Now at 35 weeks, she’s sitting up breech and facing backwards. She apparently likes the view of the posterior uterine wall for whatever reason. Maybe she put up some decorations there or that’s where the TV reception is best.

After 2.5 years of marriage, 9 months of medical school, who knows how many years and credit hours of undergraduate and graduate education, I can say wholeheartedly that I am woefully underqualified to being a parent. I think we all are with our first. I know I’ll be a good dad, but you always want “more time,” waiting for the perfect moment when all the finances are set, the house is bought, etc. That doesn’t even happen in the movies anymore, much less real life. True life for me, right or wrong, has been doing it the hard way against more odds than needed to be there, perhaps stubbornly, perhaps through bad luck, but getting the job done regardless.

Except this isn’t a “job,” or a goal–this is another life, my life, about to come into this world, helpless and full of unlimited possibilities. I’m scared, excited, proud, and a whole host of emotions all at the same time. I totally believe in sympathy pregnancy symptoms, since I’ve experienced weight gain, moodiness, odd cravings, unexplained pains, and every minor symptomatic oddity (save, perhaps, breast tenderness) in far greater frequency than when before Claudia was pregnant.

Medical Madhouse Madman (Doctor) had “Future Intern;” thankfully, she won’t be in my daughter’s graduating class, since I’m sure Doctor’s daughter already has the lock on valedictorian. I am wondering if I’m going to have “Future Biochemist” or “Future Concert Pianist,” or any number of roads I left behind in my not-so-distant past. Right now, “Future Daddy’s Girl” sounds pretty good to me.